Unforeseen Idiocy Ahead

Right this going back to camp thing....
I love camp. I would live there if I could. A green card and a job and I'm yours for life.
Problem is when I was there the last time I managed to pass lifeguarding. Waaaaaay back in 2005 when I was younger, stupider and thinner. Well sort of, that would imply that I am now older, wiser and fatter...... 2 out of 3 isn't bad.
I can swim and I'm damn good at it. Just can't do that much. And I might have put some weight on since the start of the course. I've put on 3/4 tunic sizes since then. Course, our tunics were modelled on aliens from the planet Zog or somewhere because they really don't fit any human I've met.
So during the interview up crops the 'you were a lifeguard that last time' and 'you know snorkelling'. To which in my 'talking management / interview BS' mode I replied with "I would LOVE to do that again!". Complete with exclamation point and emphisis.

Idiot.

The fitness test before training?

• Swim 300 yards (essentially 300 meters! Although it's a little shorter than that.) continuously.
• Starting in the water, swim 20 yards using front crawl or breaststroke, surface dive 7–10 feet, retrieve a 10-pound object, return to the surface, swim 20 yards back to the starting point with the object and exit the water without using a ladder or steps, within 1 minute, 40 seconds.

Oh it gets worse.... That was just the basic pool qualification.

• Swim 550 yards (about 500 meters) continuously.
• Starting in the water, swim 20 yards using front crawl or breaststroke, surface dive 7–10 feet, retrieve a 10-pound object, return to the surface, swim 20 yards back to the starting point with the object and exit the water without using a ladder or steps, within 1 minute, 40 seconds.
• Swim 5 yards, submerge and retrieve three dive rings placed 5 yards apart in 4–7 feet of water, resurface and swim 5 yards to the side of the pool.

Welcome to the waterfront / pool test!
Time to get my lardy ass to the swimming pool. I could do the 300 meters (12 lengths of a 25m pool). It's the incredible 'Titanic can move faster' pace I swim at. I will not be last to finish this time around. Oh and I can't drag my body out of water to help myself.... well not yet.

I have 3 months and a new swim suit..... just where did I put the towel?